At the other end, other bunch of humans, that are focused with a strong heart not wanting to hurt but are able to engage in the push and pull. Each team wants to win, yet they come from different perspectives and from different intent.
You get the picture right! Now let's relate that into a relationship either at work or maybe a personal one.
Someone is behaving a way that is unacceptable. They are irrational and accusing you of something that you have not done, or the perspective they have about you is not correct.
Naturally you DEFEND, stand up for yourself, try to get them to understand your point of view, get them to learn the truth.
Our tendency to defend and to respond quickly can have us engaged in what is not an ideal behavioural response. For some of us our initial personal programming (years 0-7) may well be to stand up for yourself and speak out.
Don’t take crap from others, let them know they are wrong. Such programming is hard to change and is least effective.
“We need to listen with curiosity, listen to understand, rather than listen to reply.”
The Code Word here; REPLY means to defend!
When we reply (defend), our emotions become charged and we feel that we are being treated unfairly, judged and in some cases directed.
So, how do we change this, simple…Let Go and don’t buy-in. That’s right don’t defend yourself, nor attempt to change the thinking of the person at the other end of your rope.
Just Let Go!
As you read this you will be wondering, how do I let go, it's not that easy, no it's not.
However, when we buy-in, then we agree to the scenario of the rhetoric that is being presented to us.
How do you Let Go when you feel that the situation and words are not right or true.
Here are a few tips. Emotionally disconnect, it's not your issue, its theirs. Offer replies such as “thanks for the feedback” “interesting but that is not the case "end of conversation.
It is not an easy thing to do to, Let Go and not buy in, yet when you master it, the personal power is most gratifying. We cannot control what others think of us, it’s not our business.
When we reply (defend) try to explain, get agitated, feel our values have been violated and we want to set the record straight we begin to own the other person's approach, opinion even behaviour.
Why would we do this when we know it is not the truth for us or of us. Why does it matter that what they think.
Well you might think that its important that your relative thinks well of you (seeking their approval), you might think the same with your work colleague, how dare they think this of me.
What does it matter to you?
So next time when you have the tug of war about letting go of what is not your truth, think about replying or NOT.
For what purpose would you reply, what is your intent, how will it make things different.
I will say the one thing that will be different if you let it go is you.
You will not be engaged in this and you will be in control of the mad monkeys in your head.